Collusion

Today's blog post relates to the book I was given for group projects " Leadership and Self Deception" by the Arbinger Institute. The book discusses the dangers of self deception or getting in the box towards other people. When we get in the box we become self-centered and hardened towards change. Another thing we experience when we get in the box is called "collusion". Collusion is when we expect another to act poorly and when they commit that act it only confirms our negative paradigm of them . It also perpetuates a negative relationship between the two people because they are constantly "failing" you. We sometimes even act in a way that will perpetuate another person "failures" because we seek confirmation of our negative paradigm. Now the reason why I bring up this is because I did not fully realize that I was committing this act myself until recently. Of course when I read the material I had a feeling I was committing small acts of collusion but I did not realize a had a habit of being in the box with a specific person. The person that I was experiencing constant "in the box moments" and "collusion" towards was one of my roommates. My roommate is a great kid but has a terrible habit of being messy. I would let this habit get under my skin, it also got under the rest of my roommates skins as well. Sadly when the roommate was away the rest of us would discuss how frustrated we were with the mess and build up each others negative image of the "messy" roommate. Every time our "messy" roommate would not clean up after himself we would gather and point out the fact that he did not clean his mess, yet again. This continued until the roommates all had a rough relationship with the "messy" kid. Long story short, we waited for him to fail us time and again, to prove to ourselves that our anger was just. Until recently I realized that I was experiencing exactly what my book discussed. I started to change my behavior and stopped setting my roommate up for failure and instead I talked to him about needing some help around the house with cleaning. Funny thing happened, my roommate got right up and helped out. I had no idea that just asking was all my roommate needed. Ever since then the "messy" roommate is not the"messy" roommate anymore. It's a an amazing thing when we get out of the box and decide to see someone in a different light. Setting them up for success instead of failure. Remembering the subject of collusion was the key to changing the entire dynamic of our apartment.

Tyson Andrus